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**Happy April Fool's Day.

Damp Dollar Bills

Remember when we were kids? We put a dollar bill in our shoes between sole and sock. Sometimes we had so many bills that it created a limp in our walk. Anyway, the lunch lady, 7-11 store clerk, or some other unsuspecting soul would get that wet, damp dollar bill in exchange for a candy bar or a slice of pizza. No sanitizer back then either. They just toughed it out.

The Worst Best Dream

Have you ever had a dream you won a million dollars, but then you woke up? So disappointing.

Text Messages

Have you ever gotten a text message that didn’t sound right? You know. You weren’t sure if it was meant for you or someone else? I’m talking about like if you’re 16 years old and the text says, “c u @shuffleboard match” or sometime like that. Those kinds of texts, right? Your grandma hit the wrong button on the phone kinda thing.

Water Balloon Launchers

I remember one time in high school when some friends of mine had a water balloon launcher.

Now a water balloon launcher is like a big rubber band or sling shot. What you do is you get three guys together. Two of them are holding each end of this big long rubber band and guy number three holds onto the center where a piece of cloth holds the water balloon in the center. He pulls back 3, 4, maybe 5 feet while the other guys are holding onto the ends. Next he puts in the balloon and lets it rip and fly away. And these things go far. We’re not talking little distances you might see one of those rubber band airplanes go or something like that. I’m talking about at least a 100 yard line drive or maybe 3 or 4 stories high if you choose to shoot it at an upward angle.

So my friends, like I said, had a water balloon launcher in the parking lot of our high school. The auditorium is about 50 yards from the parking lot and they decide to pull this thing out and aim for the auditorium. The thing is they don’t have water balloons. Where are you just gonna come up with water balloons in a high school parking lot. They get this idea to use some of the ornamental oranges from the trees next to the parking lot. So here they are and they start launching oranges at the statue of our mascot (which I’ll leave unnamed) which sat on top of the overhang in front of the auditorium. They must have pelted the mascot statue and the auditorium facade a dozen or two dozen times. Orange vandalism all over the place.

The thing I wanna know is, where was security. Those guys could snatch a kids cap off the top of his head while indoors, but they couldn’t catch my friends vandalizing the high school auditorium with oranges. Those guys, by the way, are some of the smartest and nicest people I know. I wish that was the only sort of vandalism we dealt with in the world.

Bathroom Stall Insanity

Ever been sitting in a stall and the other person leaves, but turns the lights out? Only so long before you start laughing uncontrollably. And what about the next guy that walks in? The lights are out and someone in the stall is laughing uncontrollably. What are they thinking? You wanna clarify, but there's this invisible barrier. Not allowed to talk between the stall barrier and the outside.

Java 2:12

As the Good Book says in Java 2:12, "A person who drinketh coffee diverts an hour of sleep, but a person who creates and serves espresso concoctions pleases the assembly."

Near Collisions on Campus

ASU is out of control. Almost as busy as New York City. Collisions happen all around me, but I just pretend I'm Neo and can see everything happening all at once. Everything goes into slow motion. Bicycles, golf carts, and skateboards come within inches, but everything is okay.

Peace of Mind

I just found out that I get up to a $1,000 bail bond with my AAA membership. Not only is it peace of mind if I need my car towed, but also peace of mind if I need a bond to be posted at the county jail. I feel a lot more relaxed now.

Ambush. Reverse Ambush. Double-Reverse Ambush. Police Dispatched.

Ambush.

I never knew my after-work evening would turn into an ambush, reverse-ambush, double-reverse-ambush, with a dispatch of police to cap it off. It all happened back in 2008. I pulled my little Toyota pickup truck into the driveway of my home and found my roommates Troy and David filling up water-cannons with three girls decked out in facial war-paint, ready to ambush our friends Peanut Butter and Jelly. Yes, their names were Peanut Butter and Jelly. At least that was their nicknames. Their real names were Angel and Jesus, but everyone called them Peanut Butter and Jelly for nicknames. Real life. No joke.

Anyway, Sheila, Jo, and Brittany had finished filling their water-cannons while Troy and David were finishing up their last preparations with cups and buckets of water.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“We’re gonna ambush Peanut Butter and Jelly,” David said. “Wanna come?”

“Oh, wow,” I smiled. “This looks great. But, isn’t this a little strange? A bunch of 20-somethings are gonna ambush two teenagers with water cannons?”

“Whatever. It’s Peanut Butter and Jelly. They deserve it,” David said. “Do you wanna come? You can drive us.”

“Okay. I’ll be the driver. You guys can jump in the back of my truck. This’ll be fun to see. A little strange, but I gotta see this.”

Reverse Ambush.

My roommates, the girls, and Peanut Butter and Jelly were all friends of mine from church, so that's how we all knew each other. We drove through the neighborhood to Peanut Butter and Jelly's parents' place. A 3-minute drive. Troy sat in the cab with me, while David, Jo, Sheila, and Brittany talked in the back.

“Troy, I’m still a little puzzled. What’s up with this? I’ve just never heard of a bunch of adults going to ambush two teenagers. What’s the deal?” I asked.

“We’re not. We’re going to ambush the girls instead. Peanut Butter and Jelly are in on it. They know we’re coming and they're ready to ambush the girls along with us. The girls don’t know,” Troy said.

“Wow. This is good. I’m liking it more and more,” I smiled.

I pulled into the apartment complex. It had a single driveway with apartment units on the left side. I stopped the truck. David and the girls stepped out of the back. Troy exited the passenger door. I left the truck running and watched.

Peanut Butter and Jelly came out. They each had one cup of water. No hose. No water cannons. Not much for a surprise attack, but it didn’t matter anyway. Troy and David had two water cannons and the element of surprise. They unleashed all they had on the girls, while PB & J did their best with one-cup a-piece. The girls paused for a couple moments, dumbfounded. Then, they retaliated as best they could. Their attempt was futile. Troy and David had gotten the best of them. A year later, Jo still agreed to marry David, despite this well-calculated reverse-ambush.

Double-Reverse Ambush.

I got out of the pick-up. Smiles. Laughter. A few curses. All good. This could have ended an already great evening, but the best was yet-to-come. I’m not sure who instigated the next parade, but before I knew it we’d decided to ambush our friends Pete and Lori, a young married couple with kids. They were friends of ours from church and probably the only married couple that we could think of who’d think that our next plan to ambush them with water was 'fun'.

The night was still young. Maybe 8pm or so. We drove over to the Walgreens around the corner and picked-up water balloons, took them back home to fill them, and replenished our water-cannons and buckets. My plan, I told the others, was to lure Pete and Lori out into the back yard under the guise of “Pete, I need to talk to you and Lori about something serious and want your advice.” This sort of thing. We knew his parents were in town visiting, so it would be easy to suggest that we sit outside in the back yard so I could talk to them “in-private” and away from the visiting parents. Once lured into the back yard, Troy, David, Jo, Sheila, Brittany, Peanut Butter, and Jelly would jump the cinder block wall and ambush them with the water-cannons and water balloons.

Little did my friends know that I had another plan.

Troy and I got into the cab of my pick-up. The others scrambled into the back. I started the 5 minute drive and called up Pete on my cell phone. He answered.

“Pete. This is Steven... We’re coming over to ambush you... I’m supposed to lure you out into the back yard to talk to you about something ‘serious’, so serious that I want to talk privately, not in front of your parents... But, I want to do a reverse-ambush... Do you want in? Do you have water-canons, water balloons, or at least could use the hose? You do? Okay good. The problem is going to be that we’ll be there in less than 5 minutes. Can you be ready?... Okay, good.... Oh, I see. Your parents can let me in through the front and into the back yard while you are getting ready.... That makes sense. See you soon.”

After my conversation with Pete on the phone, I realized Troy was sitting right next to me. He had heard everything. “Troy, are you in?” He didn’t say ‘no’ and laughed a little, so I took it for a ‘yes’.

Pete and Lori made their preparations in the back yard. I drove as slowly as I could to buy us some time and ‘pretended’ to miss the turn by accident. Then I drove an extra-couple blocks and dropped off my friends by the cinder-block wall on the back side of the house, which was located on a corner. Then I drove around the corner to the front of the house and switched off the ignition. Walked up to the front door. Pete’s mom was waiting for me.

“Hi, how are you?” I asked.

“Good. Come on through. They’re waiting for you in the back yard.” His mom said.

Cool mom.

I went to the back and saw Lori first.

“Are you guys ready? Where’s Pete?” I asked.

“He’s around the corner by the back house,” she said.

In the next moment, I saw some of my friends crawling over the cinder block wall on the back side, onto the lawn, and others unlatched the side-gate by the back porch, sporting water-cannons and a large bucket of water-balloons. They crept in quietly, but quickly.

That’s when the sprinkler system turned on.

Lori grabbed the garden hose, which had a pressure nozzle on it. She started hosing down those entering through the side-gate, while Pete heroically drenched all the others on the lawn with the sprinkler system.

I ran over to the bucket of water-balloons and grabbed as many as I could. With the element of surprise I still had a couple moments before they realized what was going on or that I’d set them up for another reverse-ambush. I unloaded waterballoon after waterballoon at point-blank range. It was glorious. After a few double-takes by my friends they returned fire and I got hit a few times by their water cannons. Still, nothing compared to how drenched they looked.

“Steven! What are you doing?!” A number of them yelled simultaneously. “What are you doing?” Everyone was shouting threats and smiles at the same time. I was in the dog-house, but they couldn’t help smiling at such a classic double-reverse ambush.

Police Dispatched.

Round Two over. Round Three next. I’m not sure who made the suggestion, but we all decided to drive to our friend Amy’s to ambush her. However, at this point, paranoia overtook me. I though for sure they were going to get back at me. Try to reverse ambush me during the 'supposed ambush' on Amy.

“They’ve got to be up to something,” I thought.

I started driving us over to Amy's house. Everyone was in the back, including Troy. I thought for sure they were conspiring. Even Troy. For a moment I thought about calling Amy to warn her. But, that was no good. If they caught me on the phone, they’d know what I was calling her. I thought about texting, but I wasn’t that good at texting, especially while driving. Besides, it was only a 5 minute drive to her place, and I knew they’d be watching me. Nothing I could really do. And, what were they up to anyway?

We pulled up to Amy’s house. She lived in the back house of a large property with a couple dogs in the back yard. My friends jumped out of the back. I, however, stayed in the driver’s seat.

“Whatcha doing?” David asked. “Aren’t you coming?”

“No. I’ll stay right here.”

“What’s up Steve? We’re gonna jump Amy. This’ll be the best one yet. We're gonna throw her in the pool,” he said.

“No. You go ahead. I’ll stay here." I stood resolute.

Still paranoid. I figured we’d all get into the back yard and then I’d get ambushed. Wasn't gonna do that. So, after they went into the backyard, I sat there for a few minutes, not sure what to do. After a few minutes, I decided to drive back home (5 minute drive), fill up a water cannon (3 minutes), and drive back (another 5 minutes). By the time they finished their job, I’d ambush them one more time from behind the bushes as they exited Amy’s front yard. After picking up my water cannon and filling it (ten minutes later), I got a call from Troy while I was driving.

“Steven, could you go up to Amy’s door at the back house and tell her it’s just us?” Troy said. He still didn't know I'd driven back to our house to get a water-cannon.

“What? Why don’t you do it yourself?” I asked.

"We're in the bushes and the police are here," Troy said. "Don't you see them? They're right on top of us."

“I’m not even here. I’m at Sonic,” I lied.

“The dog keeps barking and the police are here. We need someone to go up to Amy’s door and tell her it’s just us.” Troy said.

“Yeah, whatever Troy. I’ll see you soon," I said in disbelief.

I truly believed they were trying to lure me into a trap. It seemed so obvious.

But, here’s what really happened. After I left, Troy, David, Jo, Peanut Butter, and Jelly all piled in through the side-gate at the end of the carport, in the midst of the two dogs, on the way to the back-house. The dogs knew Jo and Brittany because they were Amy’s roommates, but they still kept on barking and wouldn’t stop. The whole group jumped into the bushes to hide and hoped the dogs would stop barking. Then, their plan was to knock on Amy’s door to the back house and ambush her with the water-cannons and buckets of water when they lured her out. They also planned to throw her into the pool in the back yard.

In the process of the dogs barking, Amy had looked outside and saw movement in the bushes. She called 911. Phoenix Police is almost instantaneous in many situations and a helicopter was on top of the house in a minute or two with squad cars to follow shortly thereafter. Troy’s call to me had occurred only moments before the helicopter arrived. Once that happened, he called Amy directly. They didn’t want to get ambushed by Phoenix PD on accident because of a little mischief. When Amy answered the phone and Troy told her what was going on, Amy was able to tell the police that the whole thing was turning out to be a prank, afterall. She met the police outside and straightened the whole thing out.

After the police left, I happened to decide to call Amy and ask her if the police were really there or not, because I suspected that our friends wanted me to come into the yard and that I'd be double-reverse-ambushed by them on me. Amy told me the police had really come and gone and that I could come back over.

I pulled up to the front yard with a full water cannon, a few minutes later. I still planned to commit a final double-reverse ambush even though they'd almost been arrested by Phoenix PD. Why not?

I snuck up to the gate and saw the others approaching the carport gate on the other side. Troy had a large bucket of water and ran through the gate charging towards me. I fired at him, but retreated instantly because the bucket was coming.

I had no time. He dumped the whole thing on me. A triple-reverse ambush. The night had ended.

Better Than the Real Thing

Remember movies before animation got better than reality? They used to have real actors. I heard Pixar is now putting real actors into some animation films to give them a 'retro' touch. 62 year-old Jaden Smith is their first test run. He was one of the last real-actors back in the 2010's.

My Order at Starbucks

My order at Starbucks today: I wanna Double-Carmel Kimono Dragon Frap, no whip, quarter half-pipe 720 with three endo's on the side. Wait a minute. I want that sugar free and go ahead and add the whip, but 86 the Kimono Dragon and make it Pike, but with an extra shot and I'll take that to go because I gotta take it with me on my Mongoose.

Accessing the Internet

Remember when we had to use a smart phone to access the internet? Heck, remember when we had to use a computer to access the internet? Now we just think to get access. So much more convenient.

Microwave Ovens

I need a microwave that has two buttons: Timer. Power. In the meantime, I usually end up hitting the 'popcorn' button just to get the thing to turn on. Then, I guesstimate.

Power Up

Starting-up a new session of teaching for Summer 2010 is like me being hamster trying to power up a semi-truck. Can you picture it?

Extra Curricular Activity - Class

Teaching English to International Students during the World Cup is an interesting experience. Class sort of becomes an extra-curricular activity, rather than the other way around. And, all I have to do is ask them about Soccer (Football) and it'll get a good conversation going.

Nice to Meet You

‎"Nice to meet you. I'm your new neighborhood." - Student

Dialogue Activities

Spent all day Saturday reading a book called "Dialogue Activities: Exploring spoken interaction in the language class." Right now, I'm employing one of the exercises from that book into one of my classroom activities for tomorrow. Employing inanimate entities into my vocation is one of the highlights of my existence. Maybe I should go back to the philosophy major. That last sentence sounded really stupid.

Trash Talk

In my World Cup bracket, I have USA going all the way to the Semi-Finals. If a miracle occurs and they do go to the semi-finals, then I'll be talking trash all over my students for about the next 10 years. As it is, the fact that USA advances is enough for a little trash right now. Trash is good.

When Things Get Tense

I don't know, just fly casual. -Han to Chewy upon entering Imperial Cruiser vicinity

Legitimate Vinegar Drinking

Just drank my first sip of "Bragg Organic Apple Cider Vinegar All Natural Drink with a drop of honey". Seriously. It is diluted apple cider vinegar with honey. Someone really makes this stuff and I love it. I used to sneak pickle juice when I was a kid. Now I can do it legally.

Dyslexia

I don't have dyslexia, except when I try to write the word 'dyslexia'. Who ever came up with that spelling?

"Kind of like someone with a lisp having to say they have a lisp." -comment added by Angela M.

Lois Lane

You're holding me? Who's holding you? -Lois Lane.

4-N-1 Shampoo

Just bought 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, bodywash. Looking for 4-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, bodywash, toothpaste if anyone's seen anything like that.

Writing for My Students

Sometimes I dream of writing a major book like "The Shack" or "Wild at Heart" or even a novel. But, the other day I realized that this is ridiculous compared to what I have right now. My students. I wrote a third story for them about a couple of international-student-superheroes in an action-comedy-romance with vocabulary words to boot. After reading it to them, they applauded. They're pretty cool.

Rotary Telephones

Brought a rotary telephone into the classroom the other day for a couple of "phone message" activities. Showed them how to dial up a girl for the first time in Jr. High. Dial the seven digits, but hold the dial on the last one. Then you can let go of the dial and hang up. Or, after about 20 times of doing that, you finally hold onto the receiver and sweat while waiting for their mom or dad to answer.

Present-Perfect Meets Simple-Present

Constructed a couple "present-perfect-tense" meets "simple-present-tense" activities at work today. I know most of you were thinking this morning, "How can I construct some grammar-activities today? That would be so awesome!"

Pac Man 30th Anniversary

PacMan's 30th anniversary today. Miss standing in line, waiting to play PacMan at the arcade. Put the quarter up on top of the video machine and keep an eye on it. Needed to make sure no one cut in front or took the quarter. For us younger guys, it was always a little precarious, getting into the action amidst the middle-schoolers and Jr. High'ers.

Linguistic Efficiency

A roommate of mine doesn't pronounce every part of three syllable words. Think about it. The time we could save by axing that third syllable. Linguistic efficiency. For example, why say a whole word like 'computer' when you can just shorten it to "-puter"? Is my roommate an excentric Cosmo Kramer? Brian Reagan? No. He's five years old. But, I still think he's on to something worth considering in the English language.

Baby Names

I've been brainstorming new children's-name spellings: M1ch0el, R^ndy, and R!ck. Maybe Je$$ica for a girl. Could add a question mark at the end: John? That would get really weird.

Cassette Tape Answering Machines

What I liked about the cassette-tape or digital answering machine was that you didn't have to listen to "Please leave a message after the tone. To leave a numeric message, please press pound. To re-record your message, transcribe it and send it to the message receiver's P.O. Box, press 2. If you'd like to submit your resume to Holland for academic references, please press 1."

Beyond Deer-in-the Headlights

Try marketing dry humor to a bunch of international students learning English. It's like beyond deer-in-the-headlights.

Eccentric Instructors

Students randomly smile while I'm teaching. I must be overly animated and random like some of the eccentric professors I had in college. I smiled too back then. I guess it comes full-circle.

Getting Back to a Normal Schedule

You know how most people start waking up earlier as they get older? 6am, 5am, then 4:30am. Well, I'm starting to move in that direction too. Just get up and go to work. Pretty soon, I'll be waking up at 2am, 1am, and finally back to the PM at 11:30pm. Keep moving in this direction and I'll move full cycle back to 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, noon, all the way back to 8am again. That's what I'm going for.

Me Grammar

I decided I have my own grammar. Me textbook and I not speak language the same and who my students learning incorrect grammar. Or, maybe the book is wrong.

Just Ask the DM

Remember when human beings were the best chess players? Remember life before the universal translator? I mean, people had to actually learn another language. Or, remember life before Decision Maker (DM) technology? We even had to make our own decisions back then. Now, we just ask the DM.

Frequency Adverbs

My student's answer to a sentence completion activity focused on frequency adverbs was "Mr. Dunham occasionally works hard."

Singlehood

One of the nice things about being single is I'm never really alone. It's always Me, Myself, and I.

Crashing Newsboys

In college my friend and I walked by the Newsboys charter bus on the UofA campus. He said, "Let's knock on the bus door." The keyboard player answered and gave us a tour of the bus's interior. Gave us "All Access Passes". Take Me to Your Leader Tour. 1996.

Hammerogatives

In teaching a vocabulary class I've realized that my mental lexicon is primarily influenced by the likes of Alanis Morissette and MC Hammer. Words like ironic and prerogative. Hammerogatives, if you will. Words that do what you want them to do.

Palm Pilots

Remember Palm Pilots? It was so cutting edge.

Keyboards

Keyboards. So old school.

Imaging and Mental Flash

I love listening to my grandpa because he tells me about when they used to read text on computer screens or even used to read books that they had to hold in their hands. He pulled one out of the attic for me to read for fun. It was called Watership Down. I did enjoy doing it for a while, but it was pretty heavy. My biceps were hurting within only a few minutes. I guess I haven't exercised much lately. Plus, even though it was interesting, I got rather impatient after a while. At the rate I was reading, it could'a took me like 6 or 7 hours to finish the thing. I downloaded it from Pandora and imaged it via mental flash in only 7 minutes. Although I admire them for taking so much time to absorb the old stories, I'm glad we have imaging and mental flash, to be honest.

Back in the Days of the Shuttle Craft

Feeling a little nostalgic today. Remember when we had to use shuttle crafts before there was transporter technology? I mean, we had to take at least 10 or 15 minutes to get from Phoenix to LA. Now, we just beam over in less than 5 seconds. I don't know. I guess I just miss the slower pace of life.

Life Before A.I.

What life was like before A.I.? I heard that a long time ago, they had this thing called Google. You used your fingers to push buttons and they wrote your question. It was called a search engine. Unfortunately, you couldn't have a conversation with it to narrow your search to the item you needed. It was inanimate. It gave you like billions of possibilities. How tedious.

/ph/ Revolution

Who ever came up with the "ph" spelling for Steven? I know it's Greek, but I just don't get it. I'm talkin' a whole "ph" revolution: Steven, fone, ferimone, elefant, feasant, foto, filosophy, microfone, grafic, Ralf (both name and verb). Maybe I'm just going through a fase. That's all.

Nerf Football

My friend received a Nerf Football at his 10th birthday party. I was there. We formed teams and took snaps. Five front yards became a football field. Someone had the sprinkler system on. It didn't matter. Play continued. By the end of our game, we'd torn the football in half.

Antique Legs

Hiked Syphon Draw this weekend in the Superstitions to the top of Flat Iron. Really sore today. Talking to a friend of mine I said, and I'll say again, "If these legs of mine were a car, I'd have turned 'em in by now for some new ones. In fact, they'd be antiques. I'd get a fancy license plate for them and all that."

Childhood Dairy Queen

My childhood Dairy Queen decided to shut down. I don't think it's allowed to do that.

International Electric Slide

Just finished a graduation ceremony at Rustler's Rooste in Phoenix for our Advanced ESL students. I don't really know what to say about it, but I just watched a couple hundred international students do the Electric Slide. That is a sight to behold.

More Peter Pan

I'm reading Peter Pan right now. The (non-Disney) original version is rather rough-around-the-edges. Tinker Bell tricks one of the Lost Boys into shooting Wendy down from the sky with an arrow out of her jealousy. The Lost Boys think they've killed her on accident. After a few moments, they realize a locket she's wearing deflected the arrow and everyone is relieved. Tinker Bell. Vicious little fairy.

Maybe American's aren't so Bad Afterall

I am surprised at the number of comments I receive from my students about how nice and helpful Americans are when they arrive to the U.S. They often write essays about how they were surprised at such friendliness. I have been previously inundated by this belief that Americans are rude and foreign cultures are friendly and nice. My students tell me otherwise.

Undercover

My students don't realize that my combinations of red and blue on the overhead are a subtle attempt to embed Wildcat aesthetics into Sun Devil territory.

Nephew

Time at the park with my nephew. Football. Soccer. Chinese food. Quietly watching golfers at the driving range. Duck feeding. Rock hopping over the water. Nice.

Homework

I keep forgetting that if I give them a lot of homework, then I have to grade a lot of homework.

The Original Peter Pan

I'm reading the original Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie, written in 1911. I think he might have been on something. I mean, come on... Wendy's mother shuts the window on Peter's shadow and cuts it off? They roll it up and put it in a drawer. Peter comes back to get it and Wendy sews it on him? Holy smokes. I wish I could'a been there to have seen it.

Technological Advances in Communication

I'm not so sure what I think about the impersonal nature of the advances we've seen in technological communication lately. I mean we don't even have to go over to someone's house any more. All we need to do is "call" them.

Texting While Walking

I don't know how many people I've had near collisions with on campus who are "texting-while-talking". If we weren't only walking like 3 miles per hour, it'd be a serious problem.

Skate Traffic

I forgot they cruise around on skateboards so much on college campuses. I guess I'll have to break out the old cruiser, if I can find it. Where's my skate shoes at anyway?

Point of Reference

In some cultures, the North East corner is actually the South West corner. Depends on your point of reference. Are you standing in the intersection or in the center of the block? Which way are you pointing?

Frenzy

My mind has been in such a frenzy right that I tried to unlock my desk drawer earlier with my USB flash drive. Sort of like putting the milk in the cupboard or the cereal in the fridge. Nevertheless, I really like this new teaching gig I've got goin' on here. Just fast.

Stud Muffin

I just heard a mom walking down the hallway say to her 3 or 4 year old son, "Are you coming stud-muffin?" I'm all for male affirmation, but does that one seem a little strange?

My Encounter with Santa

One Friday night during college, I remember that Santa Claus (actually a college student dressed for a Christmas party) walked into my room drunk and started knocking on my closet door. Apparently, Santa thought it was the door to a room occupied by someone named Joe. He wasn't aware that he'd inadvertantly stepped into my room. He continued to knock on my closet and command the clothes to open the door for him. After watching and smiling for a few seconds, I got up and let him know he was in the wrong room. I pointed him down the hallway towards his intended destination, at least I had hoped. Poor Santa. I'm not sure if he got all the presents off to the kids that year.

Teaching with Benefits

An old tutoring student of mine from Somalia asked me about whether or not I wanted to teach overseas in Saudi Arabia or the Arab Gulf where teachers make a lot of money. I commented by saying that it is true--I could make a lot of money and get free room and free health insurance. She said, "Yes, and a free wife too."

Library Reseach for the Elderly

I overheard an older woman asking a librarian if there was a way she could avoid using a computer in order to do her nursing research. His response was, "Resistance is futile." I know this librarian and strangely enough, his name happens to be Jean-Luc*.
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*Okay, just kidding.

Last Name, First Name Antics

Deng Deng is a tutoring student of mine with the same first and last name. While helping him to fill out a form, I inadvertently gave him some ridiculous advice. "Deng, when filling out your name in this box, don't forget to write your last name first." After a few seconds, we both looked at each other and started laughing. He said. "That's never a problem for me."

Mr. Rogers in My Neighborhood

When I was very young, I swore up and down that I had seen Mr. Rogers at an apartment complex around the corner emptying his trash one day. My mom had to deal with my desire to meet him each time we walked by.

Laser Door Knobs

When I was little, I thought door knobs could shoot laser beams at me as I walked past them, so I had to move quickly from room to room.

Peanut Butter and Jelly

I have two friends. Their names are Peanut Butter and Jelly. Actually, that's their nicknames. Their real names are Jesus and Angel. But, I don't know which one is which.

The Game Must Go On

My friend received a Nerf Football at his 10th birthday party. I was there. We formed teams and took snaps. Five front yards became a football field. Someone had the sprinkler system on. It didn't matter. Play continued. By the end of our game, we'd torn the football in half.

Squaw Peak '90 - '91

When I was 16 years old, I could ride seven miles from my house to Squaw Peak Mountain, hike 1.2 miles to the top, and ride back home. Even more ridiculous was the fact that I did this during the summer when it was 110+ degrees and I only drank one or two water bottles. I felt indestructible. Maybe I was.

Tower Plaza '86 - '87

When I was 12 years old, my friends and I used to ride our bikes and scooters to Tower Plaza, a mall about 5 miles from our homes. Mostly jumped off curbs and stuff along the way. Took my two-dollar allowance with me. Bought a slice of pizza for 94 cents and spent the other dollar on four video games at 25 cents a piece. Not enough money for a drink. Jumped curbs on the way home, still with no drink. Amazing what my body could do back then. This pattern continued for a year or two.

Grammar Masochist

I get all excited when books like "Grammar Practice Activities" arrive in the mail. Go ahead. Call me a masochist.

Writing Cursive

My freshman English teacher in high school required us to write our papers in cursive. Seems strange, thinking back on it. Needless to say, that was the last time I ever wrote anything in cursive besides my signature.

Bachelor Parties: A Run Down

Matt: Dressed in a cow outfit (complete with utters) and taken to Mill Ave. at ASU. Played Laser Tag afterwards. Of course the bachelor lost every round. Got shot like a million times by the other players. A full-sized cow outfit under a dark-light tends to stick out. Cigars and a random conversation with some guys from Nation of Islam sticks out for some reason.

Gabe: Dressed up in a pink dress and also taken down Mill Ave. at ASU. A random guy yelled out to him, "Hey, Dennis Rodman! What's up?" Yes, a full-grown man wearing a pink dress milling around a bunch of college students on a Saturday night very well could have been mistaken for Dennis Rodman. Cigars got into this one too.

Eric: Dressed him out in a full-sized Darth Vader outfit and we took him all over Tucson. Dinner with Darth Vader. Bumper boats with Darth Vader. Everything we could find to do with our friend Darth Vader. The evening turned a little towards the unusual when the women from the bachelorette party met up with us at Friday's. The bride-to-be was dressed up as Princess Leia with the whole disc-braids on the side of her head. Apparently, good-old Darth inadvertently intended to marry his daughter.

Charlie: Dressed up in a jail-striped uniform and forced to carry a bowling ball which had literally been chained to his ankle. A little precarious when we convinced him to climb up onto a Harley Davidson (for a picture) that was raised four feet off of the ground on a platform. One slip of the bowling ball (attached to his ankle) and that one could have been a disaster. I feel like cigars were involved somewhere on this one too.

The rest of my bachelor party run down is rather tame compared to these ones in our early to mid-twenties.

At the Library and Naked

Checking out a book at the library these days feels so... well, naked. Sort of like the feeling of not wearing a seat belt. Sort of like the feeling of forgetting a cell phone at home for the day. I guess it's because I get a book and just take it. I don't even check it out with a human anymore. Just run it through the scanner.

It used to be that with a human librarian checking my books out, it felt more secure, like wearing my seatbelt. They'd take out a card from the book, slam an ink stamp on it with the due date, and give it to me with a smile. There was something more assuring and secure, unspoken words from the librarian which said, "Take care of this book. It's worth the development of many minds to come. They'll need it after you."

Don't get me wrong. I like the scanners. I've adapted, even at the age of 35. I'm not stuck in the nostalgia, even though I like it. Someday, even the scanners will be outdated. Our library card itself will probably contain a chip which scans automatically as we walk out the door. Another writer like myself will dictate (they won't even be writing by then) and say something like, "Checking out books at the library feels... well, so naked. Remember when we used to check out books with a desktop scanner. It just made it feel more real, unlike automatic scanners at the door. You don't even need to take the card out of your wallet these days."

All sorts of things are changing. The security of an old, familiar activity is exponentially on its way out. We'll need to find other sources of security.

Door Knobs and Freezer Doors

Three years old must have been a rough age for me. It's about that time that we are roughly the height of doorknobs and certain types of countertops. A lotta clocks to the block.

Several years later is another milestone. I remember mysteriously passing the height of the bottom of our freezer door when open. One week, I walked underneath it. Next week, several scrapes to the top of my head.

Chicken Hawk

In my house, we have chickens that lay eggs for us. They lay about 3 to 7 eggs a day. They have a decent amount of space in their coop. KFC and McDonald's Chickens probably have an inch of movement on either side of them (unconfirmed). They exist to lay eggs.

Makes me think about KFC and McDonald's itself. Sometimes, I find myself going through the drive through and I can't help but think about the similarity between me and those chickens. I line up with everyone else. Sort of like an assembly line of consumers. $1 Double Cheeseburger: I'll take it. $1 Chicken Sandwich: I'll take it. Two Tacos for 99 cents: I'll take 'em. I'm a sucker for 99 cent tacos, by the way.

I'm not against fast food. I just have to take reality in. I'm a chicken-hawk, standing in line for a chicken. No more lookin' required.

Movie to Dream to Taste-buds

Watched "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" last night. Had a dream that I was at this rally where a young actor was inviting the whole city of New York* to a street-block sized Cheese Enchilada in Central Park*. I woke up with this huge desire for a toasted cheese sandwich.

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*At least similar to New York and similar to Central Park.

January 1st

Question: "Have you ever forgotten a friend's birthday?" My student's answer: "No, I haven't forgotten a friend's birthday because my friends don't have one." It is funny, but there is truth behind it. Many of my students are refugees from oral background cultures. They come to the U.S., and don't know their birthday. Tens of thousands of refugees claim January 1^st as their birthday.

Donkey Driver

In the mountains of Pakistan, a man once said to me, "This is Mohammed. He is the donkey driver." Sure enough, he drove the donkey, with a whip.

Get the Heck Outta There

In a large city in southern Iraq, a man once said to me, "This man you are talking to likes Saddam." The man smiled at me and left. Little did I know, I should have gotten the heck out of there at that moment. I said, "Oh, that's nice. Yes, and I'll have some more tea."

AK-47's in Iraq

Taking a nap one time in my home in Iraq. Start hearing the sounds of machine guns in my neighborhood. Then, machine guns everywhere. Hundreds. I step outside my front door and my neighbor raises his AK-47 over the wall between us and fires off a bunch of rounds. I retreated. Not really water cooler conversation. Found out later, Saddam had been captured. They were celebrating.

The Mountains of Pakistan

In the mountains of Pakistan, I walked up towards a campfire. A huge explosion ripped from the flames. I cringed and curled sideways into a standing fetal position. Following the explosion, a little metal canister fell in front of me with a "dink. dink. dink." sound as it approached me. The cause for this havoc? Terrorists? No. No. A canister of spray deodorant had been thrown with the trash into the fire.

They Look So Cute

Okay. So, I put on a size 7 today. I'm normally a size 8. No, not women's jeans. I'm past that phase. That's so 2003. I'm talking shoe size. How did I put on these 7's? Seriously, I'm wearing 7's. They look so cute.

Funny Statement But True Observeration

One of my students wrote the following. Note the last sentence. It is touching because it is truer now. No longer a mask. "I go to school M and W. I have 2 teacher One teacher alweys Funny. He always happy and likes to teach us. He single. He likes his life." Poor grammar. Profound observation.

The Linguist in Me

I like using singular "they", "them", and "their". The English language needed a gender neutral alternative to "he or she" and "his or hers". I've been using it in academic writing for a couple years now.

Stu Tracey and The Weathermen

NOVEMBER 28, 2009: Drove truck today with A/C on. Wore a T-Shirt. Could'a wore shorts. Unusual, even for Phoenix standards. When I was young, I wanted to be a weather-man on KPHO Channel 5, just like Stu Tracey. I guess that's my meteorological status update for the day. I'm finally living my weather-man dream thru FB.

Nimbility

Before cell phones and caller ID, everyone in the family rushed to answer the rotary or push-button telephone to see who was calling. 350 pound adults were capable of navigating dogs, children, doors, and walls to answer the thing. We were more nimble back then.

A Little Behind

I don't keep up with the news these days. We could be invading Australia and I wouldn't know it. Obama's still president, right?

Seriously.

Picked up some pink, ladies flip flops at Walmart. Seriously.

The Utopia of an ESL Student

My ESL student wrote in a fiction story about a Utopian island-country, "There are almost 2,500 people in 'Freeland'. They work hard. Their people are, at minimum, five-feet tall."

Agua Net Memoirs

In Junior High, I took the school bus. Back in the mid to late 80's, Agua Net hairspray was the big thing. Hair stood at least 3 to 6 inches high. It was pretty amazing. One thing I knew on a school bus back then was to never, ever sit behind a girl with hairspray. Inevitably, she'd find some reason to open the window while spraying and teasing her hair and I’d get a shot in the nose and eyes.

Full Load

Stopped this morning on a major thoroughfare to wait for a school bus in front of a housing unit that must have had a lot of kids. It was like a clown car but in reverse. They just kept coming from behind this wall. I think the bus was fully loaded and must have driven straight to school after only one pick-up.

Decreasing Reading Levels

I'm reading "Ricki Ricotta and the Mighty Robot" at the 3rd or 4th grade level. For some reason, my reading level keeps decreasing. I feel like Mork in "Mork and Mindy" who hailed from a planet where people are born old and grow young. I'm not growing younger on the outside or shrinking. Maybe my brain is decreasing in size. I hope smaller brain = greater imagination.

Kickball Memoirs

Okay. Remember those times playing kickball in grade school when the kid with the loose shoe would kick the ball, and then it promptly flew like ten feet in the air over his head? This memory popped into my head today and I keep spurting out little fits of silent laughter. ~10/18/09

Walking Up to a Giant's Front Door

'It takes some nerve to walk up and knock on a giant's door.' ~C.S. Lewis, The Silver Chair. I think this is the understatement of the year for me. ~10/5/09

Steven - Ruler of the Universe

Sometimes I wish I could be in charge of the universe. Things might be better than they are, right? But, I can't even balance my checkbook. ~10/2/09

Trail Mix

Stayed in a cabin with friends this weekend. Work projects at a church camp. I wake up in the morning and my friend says, "Does anyone in here have trailmix?" I answered yes. He says, "Did you put trailmix in my pants last night?"Quesiton seemed a little odd. After investigating we found that some little creature had dug trailmix out of my bag and transported it to his bag and buried it in his pants. ~9/27/09