Stud Muffin

I just heard a mom walking down the hallway say to her 3 or 4 year old son, "Are you coming stud-muffin?" I'm all for male affirmation, but does that one seem a little strange?

My Encounter with Santa

One Friday night during college, I remember that Santa Claus (actually a college student dressed for a Christmas party) walked into my room drunk and started knocking on my closet door. Apparently, Santa thought it was the door to a room occupied by someone named Joe. He wasn't aware that he'd inadvertantly stepped into my room. He continued to knock on my closet and command the clothes to open the door for him. After watching and smiling for a few seconds, I got up and let him know he was in the wrong room. I pointed him down the hallway towards his intended destination, at least I had hoped. Poor Santa. I'm not sure if he got all the presents off to the kids that year.

Teaching with Benefits

An old tutoring student of mine from Somalia asked me about whether or not I wanted to teach overseas in Saudi Arabia or the Arab Gulf where teachers make a lot of money. I commented by saying that it is true--I could make a lot of money and get free room and free health insurance. She said, "Yes, and a free wife too."

Library Reseach for the Elderly

I overheard an older woman asking a librarian if there was a way she could avoid using a computer in order to do her nursing research. His response was, "Resistance is futile." I know this librarian and strangely enough, his name happens to be Jean-Luc*.
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*Okay, just kidding.

Last Name, First Name Antics

Deng Deng is a tutoring student of mine with the same first and last name. While helping him to fill out a form, I inadvertently gave him some ridiculous advice. "Deng, when filling out your name in this box, don't forget to write your last name first." After a few seconds, we both looked at each other and started laughing. He said. "That's never a problem for me."

Mr. Rogers in My Neighborhood

When I was very young, I swore up and down that I had seen Mr. Rogers at an apartment complex around the corner emptying his trash one day. My mom had to deal with my desire to meet him each time we walked by.

Laser Door Knobs

When I was little, I thought door knobs could shoot laser beams at me as I walked past them, so I had to move quickly from room to room.

Peanut Butter and Jelly

I have two friends. Their names are Peanut Butter and Jelly. Actually, that's their nicknames. Their real names are Jesus and Angel. But, I don't know which one is which.

The Game Must Go On

My friend received a Nerf Football at his 10th birthday party. I was there. We formed teams and took snaps. Five front yards became a football field. Someone had the sprinkler system on. It didn't matter. Play continued. By the end of our game, we'd torn the football in half.

Squaw Peak '90 - '91

When I was 16 years old, I could ride seven miles from my house to Squaw Peak Mountain, hike 1.2 miles to the top, and ride back home. Even more ridiculous was the fact that I did this during the summer when it was 110+ degrees and I only drank one or two water bottles. I felt indestructible. Maybe I was.

Tower Plaza '86 - '87

When I was 12 years old, my friends and I used to ride our bikes and scooters to Tower Plaza, a mall about 5 miles from our homes. Mostly jumped off curbs and stuff along the way. Took my two-dollar allowance with me. Bought a slice of pizza for 94 cents and spent the other dollar on four video games at 25 cents a piece. Not enough money for a drink. Jumped curbs on the way home, still with no drink. Amazing what my body could do back then. This pattern continued for a year or two.

Grammar Masochist

I get all excited when books like "Grammar Practice Activities" arrive in the mail. Go ahead. Call me a masochist.

Writing Cursive

My freshman English teacher in high school required us to write our papers in cursive. Seems strange, thinking back on it. Needless to say, that was the last time I ever wrote anything in cursive besides my signature.

Bachelor Parties: A Run Down

Matt: Dressed in a cow outfit (complete with utters) and taken to Mill Ave. at ASU. Played Laser Tag afterwards. Of course the bachelor lost every round. Got shot like a million times by the other players. A full-sized cow outfit under a dark-light tends to stick out. Cigars and a random conversation with some guys from Nation of Islam sticks out for some reason.

Gabe: Dressed up in a pink dress and also taken down Mill Ave. at ASU. A random guy yelled out to him, "Hey, Dennis Rodman! What's up?" Yes, a full-grown man wearing a pink dress milling around a bunch of college students on a Saturday night very well could have been mistaken for Dennis Rodman. Cigars got into this one too.

Eric: Dressed him out in a full-sized Darth Vader outfit and we took him all over Tucson. Dinner with Darth Vader. Bumper boats with Darth Vader. Everything we could find to do with our friend Darth Vader. The evening turned a little towards the unusual when the women from the bachelorette party met up with us at Friday's. The bride-to-be was dressed up as Princess Leia with the whole disc-braids on the side of her head. Apparently, good-old Darth inadvertently intended to marry his daughter.

Charlie: Dressed up in a jail-striped uniform and forced to carry a bowling ball which had literally been chained to his ankle. A little precarious when we convinced him to climb up onto a Harley Davidson (for a picture) that was raised four feet off of the ground on a platform. One slip of the bowling ball (attached to his ankle) and that one could have been a disaster. I feel like cigars were involved somewhere on this one too.

The rest of my bachelor party run down is rather tame compared to these ones in our early to mid-twenties.

At the Library and Naked

Checking out a book at the library these days feels so... well, naked. Sort of like the feeling of not wearing a seat belt. Sort of like the feeling of forgetting a cell phone at home for the day. I guess it's because I get a book and just take it. I don't even check it out with a human anymore. Just run it through the scanner.

It used to be that with a human librarian checking my books out, it felt more secure, like wearing my seatbelt. They'd take out a card from the book, slam an ink stamp on it with the due date, and give it to me with a smile. There was something more assuring and secure, unspoken words from the librarian which said, "Take care of this book. It's worth the development of many minds to come. They'll need it after you."

Don't get me wrong. I like the scanners. I've adapted, even at the age of 35. I'm not stuck in the nostalgia, even though I like it. Someday, even the scanners will be outdated. Our library card itself will probably contain a chip which scans automatically as we walk out the door. Another writer like myself will dictate (they won't even be writing by then) and say something like, "Checking out books at the library feels... well, so naked. Remember when we used to check out books with a desktop scanner. It just made it feel more real, unlike automatic scanners at the door. You don't even need to take the card out of your wallet these days."

All sorts of things are changing. The security of an old, familiar activity is exponentially on its way out. We'll need to find other sources of security.

Door Knobs and Freezer Doors

Three years old must have been a rough age for me. It's about that time that we are roughly the height of doorknobs and certain types of countertops. A lotta clocks to the block.

Several years later is another milestone. I remember mysteriously passing the height of the bottom of our freezer door when open. One week, I walked underneath it. Next week, several scrapes to the top of my head.

Chicken Hawk

In my house, we have chickens that lay eggs for us. They lay about 3 to 7 eggs a day. They have a decent amount of space in their coop. KFC and McDonald's Chickens probably have an inch of movement on either side of them (unconfirmed). They exist to lay eggs.

Makes me think about KFC and McDonald's itself. Sometimes, I find myself going through the drive through and I can't help but think about the similarity between me and those chickens. I line up with everyone else. Sort of like an assembly line of consumers. $1 Double Cheeseburger: I'll take it. $1 Chicken Sandwich: I'll take it. Two Tacos for 99 cents: I'll take 'em. I'm a sucker for 99 cent tacos, by the way.

I'm not against fast food. I just have to take reality in. I'm a chicken-hawk, standing in line for a chicken. No more lookin' required.

Movie to Dream to Taste-buds

Watched "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" last night. Had a dream that I was at this rally where a young actor was inviting the whole city of New York* to a street-block sized Cheese Enchilada in Central Park*. I woke up with this huge desire for a toasted cheese sandwich.

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*At least similar to New York and similar to Central Park.

January 1st

Question: "Have you ever forgotten a friend's birthday?" My student's answer: "No, I haven't forgotten a friend's birthday because my friends don't have one." It is funny, but there is truth behind it. Many of my students are refugees from oral background cultures. They come to the U.S., and don't know their birthday. Tens of thousands of refugees claim January 1^st as their birthday.

Donkey Driver

In the mountains of Pakistan, a man once said to me, "This is Mohammed. He is the donkey driver." Sure enough, he drove the donkey, with a whip.

Get the Heck Outta There

In a large city in southern Iraq, a man once said to me, "This man you are talking to likes Saddam." The man smiled at me and left. Little did I know, I should have gotten the heck out of there at that moment. I said, "Oh, that's nice. Yes, and I'll have some more tea."

AK-47's in Iraq

Taking a nap one time in my home in Iraq. Start hearing the sounds of machine guns in my neighborhood. Then, machine guns everywhere. Hundreds. I step outside my front door and my neighbor raises his AK-47 over the wall between us and fires off a bunch of rounds. I retreated. Not really water cooler conversation. Found out later, Saddam had been captured. They were celebrating.

The Mountains of Pakistan

In the mountains of Pakistan, I walked up towards a campfire. A huge explosion ripped from the flames. I cringed and curled sideways into a standing fetal position. Following the explosion, a little metal canister fell in front of me with a "dink. dink. dink." sound as it approached me. The cause for this havoc? Terrorists? No. No. A canister of spray deodorant had been thrown with the trash into the fire.

They Look So Cute

Okay. So, I put on a size 7 today. I'm normally a size 8. No, not women's jeans. I'm past that phase. That's so 2003. I'm talking shoe size. How did I put on these 7's? Seriously, I'm wearing 7's. They look so cute.

Funny Statement But True Observeration

One of my students wrote the following. Note the last sentence. It is touching because it is truer now. No longer a mask. "I go to school M and W. I have 2 teacher One teacher alweys Funny. He always happy and likes to teach us. He single. He likes his life." Poor grammar. Profound observation.

The Linguist in Me

I like using singular "they", "them", and "their". The English language needed a gender neutral alternative to "he or she" and "his or hers". I've been using it in academic writing for a couple years now.

Stu Tracey and The Weathermen

NOVEMBER 28, 2009: Drove truck today with A/C on. Wore a T-Shirt. Could'a wore shorts. Unusual, even for Phoenix standards. When I was young, I wanted to be a weather-man on KPHO Channel 5, just like Stu Tracey. I guess that's my meteorological status update for the day. I'm finally living my weather-man dream thru FB.

Nimbility

Before cell phones and caller ID, everyone in the family rushed to answer the rotary or push-button telephone to see who was calling. 350 pound adults were capable of navigating dogs, children, doors, and walls to answer the thing. We were more nimble back then.

A Little Behind

I don't keep up with the news these days. We could be invading Australia and I wouldn't know it. Obama's still president, right?

Seriously.

Picked up some pink, ladies flip flops at Walmart. Seriously.

The Utopia of an ESL Student

My ESL student wrote in a fiction story about a Utopian island-country, "There are almost 2,500 people in 'Freeland'. They work hard. Their people are, at minimum, five-feet tall."

Agua Net Memoirs

In Junior High, I took the school bus. Back in the mid to late 80's, Agua Net hairspray was the big thing. Hair stood at least 3 to 6 inches high. It was pretty amazing. One thing I knew on a school bus back then was to never, ever sit behind a girl with hairspray. Inevitably, she'd find some reason to open the window while spraying and teasing her hair and I’d get a shot in the nose and eyes.

Full Load

Stopped this morning on a major thoroughfare to wait for a school bus in front of a housing unit that must have had a lot of kids. It was like a clown car but in reverse. They just kept coming from behind this wall. I think the bus was fully loaded and must have driven straight to school after only one pick-up.

Decreasing Reading Levels

I'm reading "Ricki Ricotta and the Mighty Robot" at the 3rd or 4th grade level. For some reason, my reading level keeps decreasing. I feel like Mork in "Mork and Mindy" who hailed from a planet where people are born old and grow young. I'm not growing younger on the outside or shrinking. Maybe my brain is decreasing in size. I hope smaller brain = greater imagination.

Kickball Memoirs

Okay. Remember those times playing kickball in grade school when the kid with the loose shoe would kick the ball, and then it promptly flew like ten feet in the air over his head? This memory popped into my head today and I keep spurting out little fits of silent laughter. ~10/18/09

Walking Up to a Giant's Front Door

'It takes some nerve to walk up and knock on a giant's door.' ~C.S. Lewis, The Silver Chair. I think this is the understatement of the year for me. ~10/5/09

Steven - Ruler of the Universe

Sometimes I wish I could be in charge of the universe. Things might be better than they are, right? But, I can't even balance my checkbook. ~10/2/09

Trail Mix

Stayed in a cabin with friends this weekend. Work projects at a church camp. I wake up in the morning and my friend says, "Does anyone in here have trailmix?" I answered yes. He says, "Did you put trailmix in my pants last night?"Quesiton seemed a little odd. After investigating we found that some little creature had dug trailmix out of my bag and transported it to his bag and buried it in his pants. ~9/27/09

Look Out!

At my house, the freezer door slowly pops open sometimes when the refrigerator door is closed. The other day, my roommates (a married couple) yell, "Look out!" because the freezer was slowly approaching my head. They yelled so suddenly that I got reactionary and hit the deck. Dropped to the ground. I think it's because I grew up in the ghetto. Someone shouts, "Look out!" and we start dropping. ~9/22/09

Lucky Jay Rollins

I purchased my first car at the age of 24. Ten years ago. It was a classic, 1977 AMC Gremlin which had been painted Royal Blue with a White Racing Stripe down the middle. 'Lucky Jay Rollins' was the legal name of the man who sold it to me. ~9/18/09

Approximately 2:37pm

Someone I don't know left me a voicemail saying, "This is so-in-so calling from the East coast at approximately 2:37pm..." Good thing he wasn't more specific, like 2:37pm and 22 seconds or 54 seconds. I suppose he could have been a little more specific on the location with "approximate" GPS coordinates. Reminds me of a call I got from the FBI years ago, but I won't bother you with those details. ~9/13/09

Communion

I go to a pretty unusual church these days. For communion they serve us a choice of wine, grape juice, cranberry-apple, or pomegranate with a boost of essential vitamins and minerals. Communion bread is pretty nice too. Choice of leavened, unleavened, or Everything Bagel. No cream cheese though because that would be too 'liberal'. ~9/7/09

Making Change

Sometimes at church, when the donation/offering plate comes around, I like to make change. A friend of mine asked, "You mean you put in a $20 and take out a $10?" I said, "No. I put in a $20 and pull out a $10, $5, and five $1's. ~9/5/09

Expedition to the Moon

I'd like to go on an expedition to the moon. Yeah, I know it sounds really cross- cultural and everything with all of those moon-creatures, but what I'm most interested in is the varieties of cheese. ~9/4/09

What's in Nebraska?

Traveling to Omaha, Nebraska this weekend. What's in Omaha? I'm not sure, but we gotta get through a bunch of corn first. I think they have an actual highway they've cleared out there so we don't have to through the cornfields on dirt roads any longer.~8/28/09

Myth Busters and Time Travel

I want Myth Busters on Discovery Channel to test the myth that if you spin a worm hole around in a circle near the speed of light that you can create a space-time rift that will allow one to travel back into time. However, until then, I do appreciate things like "Can a falling Penny from the Empire State Building kill a man?" or "Can cleaning fumes in a toilet cause it to explode upon cigarette being lit? ~8/27/09

The Incongruity of ESL Classrooms

Back in the classroom again tomorrow. Africans and Mexicans, Christians and Muslims, Men and Women: all learning English together. Add a white-dude like myself into the mix who's supposedly their teacher and it's like a comedy routine on steroids. A terrorist genuinely working on a peace initiative with Jimmy Carter might be a greater incongruity. ~8/23/09

Myers-Briggs Score

I traditionally score ENFP or INFP (intuitive-feeler) on the Myers-Briggs personality test, for those of you familiar with it. I re-took it again here on Facebook and it gave me a new and interesting result. I'm now an ESPN. ~8/21/09

DOS Operating Systems

Okay. I went to accessories on the PC I'm working on to click on "Calculator". I clicked on "Command Prompt" by accident. I think I pulled up DOS. Can I still use DOS? Are there 65 year olds out there still running their whole office workstations on DOS in the color of Amber? Or, if I type C:\run facebook will my PC explode? Thankfully, I use a MAC, but it brings about all the nostalgia of C:\ command prompts. ~8/12/09

Rabbit in the Ghetto

Funny thing about living in the ghetto is all the random stray animals. Dogs strut their stuff every morning as a matter of routine. Ferrell cats live under our houses. Roosters getting loose aren't that uncommon. This week, we've got a stray rabbit. Yes, a lost white hare. Just hanging out on the corner. Young guys chasing it down and all that. ~8/9/09

Stand Up Comedy Routine

Just before doing a 10-minute stand-up act last Sunday, I ran into an old roommate of mine named Jed who was in charge of the venue. Strangely enough, one piece of my material was about a Korean exchange student who lived with both he and I during college. I said, "Jed, I haven't seen you in 13 years and I wrote a joke about you and I and the other guys from when we lived together for this routine! ~8/4/09

Eclectic Man

An 80+ year old friend of mine died recently. Grew up on a farm, served in WWII, and owned a number of hair salons for his career afterwards. One of the only people I knew who could drive tractor, defend our country, and color your hair. ~7/23/09

Step on Dog at 5am = Face Plant

I accidentally stepped on our dog at 5am this morning, punched through the bathroom door with my arm fully extended, and layed myself out on the floor. My thoughts were, 'Why am I laying on the floor?' Then, 'Why am I up at this hour anyway?' I think our dog had similar thoughts, but she didn't say anything. She calmly walked off and found another place to sleep. ~6/25/09

Girls' Night In

Troy, Strickland, Nathan, and I are doing 'girls-night-in' tonight. We're watching 'Pride and Predjudice'. I'd add one of my favorite quotations into the mix which is from Anne of Green Gables. 'Each day is fresh, with no mistakes.' Tomorrow night (after we've made our mistakes tonight) back to gun shooting, baseball playing, legalism fighting, man time. Bear Down. ~6/29/09

Sudanese/Russian Version of Abbott and Costello

Deng Deng came for tutoring again. It's his first and last name. The desk assistant (from a Russian background) asked for his last name. He said, 'I'm Deng.' She said, 'I'm sorry, what is your last name?' ...'Deng,' he said. 'No, your last name, not your first name,' she said. Again, he replied, 'Deng. It is Deng.' On and on it went. Sort of like a Sudanese/Russian version of Abbott and Costello 'Who's on First?' I couldn't stop laughing. ~7/1/09

My Theological Position

Regarding theological positions, some students are Calvanists. Some Armenians. I, on the other hand, happen to be a Narnian. I find it's better this way. We Narnians get to carry swords, bows, arrows, magic potions, and most importantly we get to fight along side the Talking Beasts! ~7/18/09

Super Hero?

Over dinner with friends, Natasha says, 'I think the last time I was sick was when I was 5 years old.' After a double-take, I asked, 'Have you ever been sick? Have you ever been the only survivor in a train accident? Can you leap tall buildings in a single bound?' Another friend chimed in with, 'Do you have any arch enemies? ~7/21/09

Mid-life Crisis

I know someone who's starting his midlife crisis at the age of 60. I decided that would be too late for me since I don't wanna live to be 120. So, I'm starting my midlife crisis right now (early) at the age of 34. It's better this way. I get to hike tall mountains (like Humphreys) and jump off 20+ foot cliffs without all the hospital stays that I'd incur at the age of 60. ~7/26/09

Graveside Funeral

Went to a graveside funeral today. Time came for people to say a few words. A gentleman starts talking about Frank, but no one knows who Frank is. Finally, the pastor whispers, 'I think you're at the wrong funeral." The man says, "Oh, I'm sorry everyone. Pardon me.' Then he says, 'Well, where the hell is the other funeral anyway?' We all started laughing. I think God and our friend in heaven were laughing too. ~7/27/09